My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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