dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
