God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
