i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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