Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
