I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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