whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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