I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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