If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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