i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I don't deserve a penis
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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