So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
