The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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