I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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