and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
