I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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