I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
