I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
