This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You made out with two different species that night
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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