I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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