i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Randomize
