proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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