my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
