So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
