Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
