Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You took a bar mat shot.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
