I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just want nice things and good sex
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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