He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just threw up on my dentist
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
