i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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