Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
