you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
