When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
