I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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