I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
