Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
