Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
