Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
