my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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