Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Two words: blizzard sex
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
