Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
