I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
