He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
