my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
