Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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