At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
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