theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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