In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
