I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
there is glitter all over my balls
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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