I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
