and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
