I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
